To my anxiety filled self
Dear you, yes you.
Let's talk about it.
It's ok to feel like the world is caving in, but guess what? It's not. Take a deep breath, take time for YOU. It's ok to be busy, and it's ok to have evenings to yourself or even an entire day if you must! It's ok that you have commitment issues, and you find it hard to let people in. it's ok to let people take care of you. Travelling and dreaming is no longer an issue, you've got this. Appreciate your friends, let them take your phone away if it's causing you stress, it's ok not to want to answer that text or email. But you'll have to do it eventually. The more you put off, the more it will add up. It's ok, not to be ok.
Don't let mental illness get in the way of what you are called and dream to do! Don't let whatever you've got going on in your mind be a label that defines you. (cheesy, I know).. instead...be an ambassador. Speak the truth, post the truth, capture the truth, be an encouraging ear for those who think no one can relate to them, because you can. You can start a movement, you can create, you can drive, go to school, get on a plane, jump off a cliff, hike a mountain, move out, say hi to that cute guy, speak in front of hundreds of people, you can do so much.. so what are you waiting for?
A tiny bit about my experience with anxiety.
I always knew I was a little more anxious than other about certain things, I would find myself having panic attacks at what seemed like the most inconvenient times. Like why now? Why am I feeling like I need to get out of here when it is such a fun scene for everyone else.
I still find myself complaining to close friends wanting to be normal, and wondering why I'm not because everything would be so much easier if I was, right? I know that's just the devil trying to get to me when I am weak.
What does it feel like? It's certainly different for everyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly chocking to the point where I'm gagging and occasionally throwing up. Other times I have a terrible migraine and my chest feels heavy. Sometimes my body is tense for an entire conversation or it's as if everyone in a crowded room is talking about me. Sometimes I just want to surround myself with plenty of friends to lift me up, then other times I disappear and fall off the face of the earth for a couple of hours.
I stay up and get so productive with things that may not even be priority. I sometimes have anxiety with people and I come off as very friendly and bubbly but my insecurities have often got in the way of what I want to do or say. I get so anxious wondering and expecting the worst when it comes to what specific people think of me. I hate not being liked. I will do whatever it takes for things to be good between us, or to change your perception.
That's what I do, often I mess up a little bit and expect all hell to break loose.
I struggle with slowing myself down. Sometimes my thumbs are moving so fast and i'm multi tasking and responding here and there that my brain can barely keep up. Travelling is something I love and I will not let anxiety get in the way of that. I try to surround myself with people who keep me healthy and accountable. Last year a new thing I became anxious about was trying to figure out what life is like when you are single and I struggled with that for a month. Then after a car accident I was prescribed medication that I stopped taking them because I couldn't sleep whenever when I took these anti-depressants. I am realizing that there are other ways to control your anxiety. Maybe it was easier for me than it is for others to not be on medication, but I will never regret that risky decision to stop.
As a 20th birthday present to myself I got inked for the first time. A reminder to not be anxious & instead pray. I love it!!!
So..here I am now. I'm not perfect, I don't want to be branding myself superficially and make it all about free products, gaining numbers and selfish things. I just want to forget about likes and stop checking my blog analytics and just live everyday the way I want to live it.